IVF - PART 2

If you’re not up to speed on Part 1 go here to read it now.

Thank you for all of the beautiful feedback, love and support that you shared with me on Part 1. It was a lot to open up about, and I’m so glad to know that it fell on kind ears. Thank you.

In writing this, I feel that the second stage of the IVF journey had a little bit of a different feeling than the first, and I’m excited to share it with you.

I want you to know that despite everything that IVF took from us, it has also given us so much, and like I said in the first post, I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in.

It feels good to be sharing this with you …

THE FROZEN CYCLE

At the end of September 2015, we were ready to undergo our frozen cycle. It was important for me to wait until I felt that my health was in a better place, and a large part of that has to do with the seasons. I really don’t enjoy Winter, and Spring felt like the right time to transfer our embryo.

This cycle was a lot easier than the Fully Stimulated Cycle. Like a million times easier! The first week was just a normal week, the second I had blood tests to monitor for ovulation. Once they knew when I was ovulating, they booked in the egg transfer for 5 days later (the age of the embryo when it was frozen).

Our embryo thawed perfectly, and everything was looking great. It was transferred back and then we waited two weeks before we could test.

I felt really good about the second round, but knowing that there weren’t any more frozen eggs, I deeply wanted it to work.

I did everything right, and I was a lot calmer throughout the process than what I was the first time around.

THE BLOOD TEST

The time came to test for pregnancy, and if I ask myself honestly, I knew it hadn’t worked, but I so much wanted it to, that I still hung onto hope.

I asked Michael to take the call from the clinic, and then break the news to me, rather than the nurse. Either way, I wanted him to know first.

When the nurse called, I overheard the conversation, and it sounded a little flat. And my gut told me it hadn’t worked.

I patiently waited for him to tell me, but the look on his face said it all.

My gut instinct was right, and the egg hadn’t taken. But I had this hope inside me that any second he would say, I’m kidding! It worked.

He would never be that cruel by the way! I was just clinging onto hope.

The next few days were pretty tough, I was trying to grasp the fact that it hadn’t worked, but bigger than that – what would be do next?

I was exhausted emotionally, and I was ready to pull the plug on trying to fall pregnant, for good.

All I knew was that I didn’t want to do that all again.

TAKING A BREAK

When deciding the next step, I had to consider that it wasn’t just me I had to think about.

Michael wants to be a father, he deserves it. I know he’ll be amazing, and I want to be able to give him the chance to do that.

So opting to not do IVF again, at least in the short term was a big call. But one we both needed to make.

Together we decided no baby talk, no IVF, no trying to fall pregnant for 12 months. We both needed this all-consuming process to go on hold, so we could return to enjoying our lives, and have a bit of fun.

A huge weight lifted from both of our shoulders.

From the moment we got married, for three years almost to the day, we had been ‘trying’ to fall pregnant. And we were both emotionally exhausted.

WHAT NOW?

Soon after we made the decision we went to Melbourne to celebrate our wedding anniversary, my mum and I booked a girls trip to Sydney and we were surprised with a very generous gift of a holiday to Bali in May 2016 (Thanks Dad!)

Finally we were able to create a life outside of having a child.

For three years we had held back from making any long term plans because ‘what if I was pregnant?’ We had put our lives on hold without even realising it.

Since then, I have been able to focus my energy and attention on my new business. I love what I do, I love my clients, and I’m excited about where it’s all heading.

Michael has been able to get back into sport, and give time to his study as well. 

We’ve regained our lives, and it feels so amazing to be lifted from the fertility bubble.

When we decided to take a 12 month break, we definitely got a little bit of a talking to from medical professionals. And it was legitimate.

We’re not getting younger, and I have a reproductive condition that gets worse with age. If I struggled to fall pregnant at 24, chances are it will be harder as I get closer to 30.

But the truth is, I believe, that I haven’t fallen pregnant yet because it’s not the right time. And the little angel who is waiting to call us mummy and daddy, is waiting until we’re ready. I know that our little one will make their way here when the time is right, and I can’t judge that.

I strongly believe that everything we have been through is strengthening us, and teaching us to be the most amazing parents.

There is not a single doubt in my mind that Michael and I, won’t be parents. In fact, I believe that my greater purpose is to love and nurture, and I firmly believe that becoming a mother will be the moment that I blossom into myself  and really shine within that.

I don’t know if we will do IVF again, we might, we might not. But right now my focus is on being the best version of myself I can be. To learn and grow at every possible turn, and to always remember that there is a greater plan that I don’t always need to understand.

THE HAPPY ENDING

I believe it’s not the end until it’s actually the end. And I’m in no race to get there.

Our lives have lots of stories entwined within them and this is just a tiny part of one of ours. It’s doesn’t define who I am, but it had moulded who I am becoming.

The future is bright, babies or not, and I know deep within my heart that I am here on earth to do something good. It’s not my job to choose the method in which it’s done.

Right now, my ‘doing good’ is in what I do as a coach. It allows me to love and nurture and support, my most natural state.

And to be able to do that is a total blessing.

Despite it all, I’m grateful for my journey, and regardless of what it's thrown my way, I know that I can handle it with love and grace! (and sometime some tears) 

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Kate Caddle

Kate Caddle is a life coach, writer, & intimate event facilitator.

She works with women whose lives look great on paper, but don’t feel so great on the inside. Helping them overcome jealousy, comparison and perfectionism, so they can take back their power, stop playing victim, and show up in their full potential.