WALKING IN MY EARTH SUIT. ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. DOING THE BEST I CAN.

There are 5 stages of grief. Well that’s what google tells me anyway. But to be honest the articles I found were kind of conflicting. Some said seven.

Life lesson #1 – Google has all the answers. Literally.
Every possible answer you could want to find. Google has it.

Smart arse.

But when it comes to processing the loss of a child, google just won’t cut it.
And so, here I am opening the door to my mind, my heart and everything else (why not hey?) to show you what’s been going on in here.

Because writing is my therapy.
And this time, it’s not very pretty.

You see, when you share your life online, you’re expected to hold yourself in a certain way. In most cases I think I put that expectation on myself, but it’s there none the less.

The expectation that I’ll always find the silver lining.

But guess what? Sometimes I struggle to see it.
And yes, sometimes I say things to my husband like …
‘I want to punch that pregnant woman in the face.’

I told you it was gonna get heavy.

I want you to know that although I have said things like that before, I never actually want to do it. It’s internal frustration and anger that manifests as words. And that’s all they are. And usually they’re only shared with the person who knows me the best. But today, I’m being brave because something tells me you’ve had similar moments too.

Now I’m under no delusions here that I’m a celebrity sharing my story in a glossy magazine, but the reality is the hundreds of women (you included) read my blog each week. Sometimes thousands.

And although comparatively that might not seem like much. I’d love you to imagine yourself in a room with that many women. All of them knowing the deepest darkest thoughts swirling in your mind.

Scary right?

Audience size, mini, medium or extra large, there’s an expectation that I will remain positive and lead by example.

It’s time we leveled here.

I’m just like you. In fact, I’m probably even more messed up than you are.

And chances are, all those deep dark feelings you’ve felt, and never let outside of your mind, I’ve felt them too. And I’m not the only one.

The girl who makes your morning coffee. The lady next door. Your best friend. Your mum.

WE’RE ALL HUMAN.

Today I’m going to take you to that scary place inside of me, that I never let anyone else see. At least only those closest to me.

I want to preface this with a big big note, so please read it carefully.

I’m not sharing this with you for pitty, to say ‘poor me’ or even for support. Because that’s not what I need. I’m sharing it to show you the truth, and that despite what you see online, there is ALWAYS more to the story.

And if you’re feeling like you want to offer something back to me, I ask you to pay it forward. Spread gratitude for the child you’ve got. The sleepless nights. The journey you’ve faced and how different it looks for mine.

For the fact that you won’t have to walk to journey I am.

Or if yours is similar, stand beside me. Because I see you too. And it’s okay, we’re all doing the best we can.

If you’re easily offended, not okay with paying it forward or feel weird about some pretty heavily worded shiz, look away now.

So here it is… A little something I wrote…

How the hell does that woman have children?
Look at her.
She’s stuffing their faces with fast food, they’re watching something on their iPad while she updates her Facebook feed about ‘how tired she is because her little shits of kids kept her up all night’.

Did I mention that they’re not wearing shoes?
And she’s smoking.

And you know, she can do what she wants, obviously.
But it still makes my blood boil.

But what I care about is the fact that that woman, is totally oblivious to the fact that she has the greatest gift of all in front of her x2.

She’s too busy getting caught up in whatever the hell her friend is saying to her on Facebook to even notice the miracles that are in her life, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

It’s kind of like that friend who ‘accidentally fell pregnant’.
And it’s so stressful because ‘oh my god, this is not what I planned! I wanted to focus on my career/travel/having fun’

Or maybe it’s that condescending person at the BBQ, who always asks ‘how’s everything going with IVF, and the baby stuff? How are you?’

Seriously? Shut your mouth.
Don’t think you’re better than me because you have children.
This is no race, no competition.

Whoever is up there choosing who gets to have a baby when (I believe our children choose us) definitely doesn’t pick based on who is ready and capable. That’s for sure!

Because if that was the case, I would have had a child a long time ago.

I’ve been eating vegan for years, I drink purified water, I eat mostly organic, I go to acupuncture fortnightly and have done for 2 and half years (do you have any idea how much that costs?!) I’ve seen naturopaths, doctors, specialists, homeopaths, psychic healers. I’ve done IVF, I go to yoga, I meditate, I chant, I use crystals, essential oils, angel cards. I journal, I pray, I’ve had way too many internal ultrasounds for one lifetime. I’ve been poked and prodded with over 50 needles in less than a year. Michael and I have a loving relationship, a beautiful welcoming home, parents who are itching to become grandparents – and my god will they be amazing at it. Shall I keep going?

So if it was based on who was ready. I know I’d have at least one by now.
I’m literally willing to get my left arm (that’s my best one) to have a child.
You know what, I’d probably give both.

So if it’s not about whether you’re ready or not, then what is it about?

THE LESSON.

That’s what my friend Karla says anyway.
Seriously? Can I poke my eyes out?
The lesson. Come on. Have I not learned enough lessons?

Is it patience? Is it releasing control? Is it to find my purpose? Is it to become a better person? Is it to make me mentally prepared for her? (I know I have a daughter waiting for me) Is it to make me a better wife? Is it to teach me that we don’t always get what we want? Is it to forgive myself for something I did in a past life?

The truth is, I don’t know.
And I’m not sure I ever will.

But right now, I’m standing in my anger.
Blood boiling, head swelling, brain pulsing anger.

Because right now, I need to feel this.
I need to embrace it.
And I need to not feel bad about it.

And I don’t.

These are the cards I’ve been dealt and I’m dealing with them in the way I’ve been called to deal with them.

That’s all we can do.
Our best.

And you know sometimes, I wish everyone had to go through what I’ve been through, because I feel like it would wake them up to gratitude, and make them realise how lucky they are to have a child.

Seriously, it is the BIGGEST blessing.  

BIGGEST.

And you’re not entitled to it.
None of us are, but we grow up thinking we deserve it. 

I know there are people worse off than me.
But the truth is, knowing someone else is having a harder time than me, doesn’t make mine any easier.

Even though we’re not ‘trying’ at the moment, having my period arrive every month is like a slap in the face.

To put it into perspective we have been trying for a baby since November 2012. That means 41 times I’ve hoped my period wouldn’t arrive, and it has.
41 times.

Where has this all come from, I hear you say.

Well the truth is, it was deep within, but thanks to the power of Mars in Retrograde, it’s been brought forward for me to face and deal with.

We’re currently in the midst of 5 planets in retrograde, which hasn’t happened for 10 years. What that means is that the 5 planets in retrograde appear to be moving backwards, and whatever they are responsible for within us, also appears to be moving backward.

Mars is responsible for anger, and it turns out, I had some burning away in there that needed to be released. (Thanks for being my sounding board)

So if you’re feeling the rage, get it out in a healthy way that doesn’t harm others.

And if you’re feeling ‘backward’ with communication (Mercury), personal growth and expansion (Jupiter), love and relationships (pluto), or karma (Saturn) or anger (Mars) – know you’re not alone.

And remember this too shall pass.
But while you’re supported to, why not face it?

Be careful not to blame the planets though, the emotions are already there, we are just being called to face them.

I want to remind you that the reason I’m sharing this with you is NOT FOR SYMPATHY. Please do not write anything like ‘Your baby will come one day!’ or ‘Everything will work out as it’s supposed to’.

Because I already know that.

Instead, stand in your truth. What does this evoke in you?
Where can you step into what you actually need to feel?

Let this post be the one that inspires you to feel the stuff that scares you, and don’t judge yourself for it. And don’t judge me for doing the same.

And for goodness sake if you’ve got children, sit now and think about how god dam lucky you are to be up all night, with saggy boobs, and dirty hair. Remember that there are thousands of women out there just like me who would give both arms to have what you’ve got. And some of us, we’ve given more. 

TO READ WHAT I DID NEXT, TO GET MYSELF OUT OF MY ANGER READ THIS POST.