YOUR BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK INTO COMBATTING PEOPLE PLEASING
Two weeks ago I sent an email that you guys went bonkers for. It was about my journey through people pleasing and how it is now pushing me into integrity.
The response I received showed me that I’m not the only one who has been experiencing this type of re-aligning. Which is nice to know, because collectively we can work through this together!
Most women grow up wanting to make the people who love us proud, it's as though as children we decided, when someone we love is proud of us, that equals love returned.
We decide that, we need to earn love.
So we go about life doing everything for everyone, all the while believing on a subconscious level, it will bring us love.
Doing all we can to show up and be the best version of us, with a preconceived idea of what the best version of us looks like. Rather than allowing her to naturally evolve.
And of course over time, with this approach, we begin to gear our goals and aspirations towards what will make the people who are most important to us, ‘love us more’.
This is the pattern of a people pleaser.
But hey, the label sucks, and it’s just another way for us to put ourselves down.
If you can relate, know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay.
Cue self love.
All of this started for you with the best intentions, most likely as a young child.
I have been working with undoing these patterns for a really long time, and with the help of boundaries, and clarity, I have been able to really decrease my people pleasing tendencies. They still show up, but I know how to manage them.
This time though, it caught me off guard.
I believe it had something to do with the most recent full moon, but suddenly it was crystal clear to me that from the clothes I chose to wear, through to the way I engage in conversations, was infused with an imprint of what I thought would make me ‘liked’.
I’m talking on a subconscious level here.
I never get dressed in the morning thinking ‘what will make people like me today?’, but there was an ingrained belief system around this that was influencing my choices.
And as I always say, awareness is the first step to growth.
So I want to ask you now, where can you see that in your life you are opting to do things out of habit, and where and why did those habits start?
Was it a response to a situation you were in?
Was it because everyone else was doing it, and you thought that you should too?
Did you start because you were mimicking your partner or a roommate?
It’s from this place of awareness and clarity, that we are able to come back to our truth, and realign with integrity.
To me, integrity is when our beliefs, words and actions are all in alignment.
On a side note, I set the intention to work with integrity, and that was the whole reason all of this came up for me! Because I started with my beliefs, and by shining the light on them, I was able to actually see what was mine and what wasn’t.
You have to start with your beliefs.
This is what sets the tone for who you are!
The best practice I have found for this, is a simple daily check in.
And when you’re questioning why you do almost everything in your life, this is super grounding and clarifying.
First, stop doing. Allow your body to soften and relax.
Use tools if you need to. Relaxing music, candles, incense, essential oils. Get your body on the earth. Do what feels good.
Intentionally, mindfully and with awareness. Just breathe.
Eyes opened or closed, just keep them still either way, and come into your breath.
Third, let the thoughts come and go.
Always return to your breath.
And forth, when you feel your body softening, your ego dropping away, and a sense of calm come over you, ask yourself ‘what is it that I can do today to bring me into alignment with my truth’.
Listen for the gentle answer, and trust whatever comes to you first.
This is your intuition.
This is the space that we experience the most beautiful growth from. Because it’s not tainted with other people’s opinions and it’s not covered in our ego. It comes from our loving voice within.
Now comes the most important part. Taking action on what you hear.
Sometimes, the message you receive will be to just breathe. Sometimes it might be to send an email, book a program or secure your spot at a retreat.
Just know that whatever it is, is just what you need.
Especially when it asks you to do something that seems way too small to matter. It all matters. And a little bit of patience can go a long way.
Show up for the clarity. Every single day.
This practice has become my life saver in this time of crazy re-aligning with who I truly am, and what I most want from my life.
It can be yours too.
If you’ve ever wondered why the changes you are trying to make in your life aren’t sticking, then let me tell you, it’s often because it’s not what you actually want, OR you’re pushing too hard.
Try this simple practice, and report back. I’d love to know what you find!
There are a couple of other tools that I want to share with you, purely because they are so powerful when you are working to realign with your truth.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL?
When I ask someone what they want for their life, it’s rare that the first thing that comes to mind is how they want to feel, it’s usually about their career goals, family goals or travel goals. Which are all great, but it’s the essence behind these, and how we believe they will make us feel that is the key. Because it’s when we feel what we want to feel, that life begins to sparkle.
When we’re clear about how we want to feel in our life, every choice we make can be run by that feeling, and suddenly we have a clear system to check in with.
For example, you may want to feel joy.
If someone asks you to do something that you don’t want to do, and doesn’t align for you. You are able to check in with how you want to feel, and see whether it’s a good choice.
And if you still choose to go, you can see where you have room to fall into integrity even deeper.
WHAT IS YOUR VISION FOR THE FUTURE?
It’s from this place of clarity around how you want to feel, that you can then begin to create a clear, aligned vision for your future.
I love to use the ‘how do you want to feel’ tool to gain clarity before I create my vision board. I then use those emotions to find pictures that represent that.
That way the vision board is deeply rooted in your soul’s desires, and comes from within.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
How many times have you said to yourself ‘everything is difficult, nothing is clear, and I don’t know what to do’, or something similar?
I know I’ve done it countless times! And so have many of my clients.
The thing is, when we check in, there is always a ‘next step’.
I love to ask myself, and my clients, ‘but what do you know?’ Because there is always an answer.
For example just last week I was feeling really exhausted everyday, and I ran dialogue, just like above. So I used this practice, and what I already knew was that some of my self care practices had slipped, and my energy out vs energy in, was way out of balance!
I knew that it was time to re prioritise walking, sunshine, nourishing food and meditation.
And just like that, I had the next step.
The key here is, when we’re disconnected from who we truly are, life feels hard, because it is. We don’t have direction, we’re totally unclear, and we’re lost. But when we tune in, and listen to what we hear, we can always find the next step and return to our path of love and alignment!
It’s all already within you my love.
In the spirit of ‘the next step’ I’d love you to share in the comments below, your next step after reading this post. Just one thing that you will do next!